Step Twelve: More New Days

Haven't written much this week, but I've stayed busy.  I have found a townhouse here in Lake Jackson and will be moving in a couple of weeks.  I'm really happy and it feels more like a house than an apartment.  The way it came about has to be a "God thing."

I was wanting something different and found this house.  Unfortunately, my apartment lease wasn't up until the end of May.  I knew this new place wouldn't be for rent that long so I decided to see what I'd have to pay to get out of the last months of my lease.  When I found my copy of the lease and looked at it (thinking it would say May 31), I was surprised to find that they had left the ending date blank!!! When I showed it to them they said it was a technicality that they couldn't hold me to (and if it had been in their favor they would have held me to it).  I'd been praying for the right thing to happen and some guidance....boy did I get it. How often does an apartment company just leave off an ending date.

So now I have something to look forward to.  It has a screened in patio and a fenced in courtyard (as opposed to my tiny tiny patio) and it has a two car garage.  I will feel so much safer coming into a garage instead of walking across a yard from the parking lot at night.  I think Harold would like it and be happy I was safer.  It also has a security system. I have an extra room, too so I'm waiting for friends to come visit. 

Originally the owners didn't want any pets, but when I explained about Harold and Bob (the cat...his cat) they agreed to let me have him there.  When I read over the lease and came to the part about animals it said, "no animals - except Bob (the cat)! So Bob has his own name in the lease!!  

I'm getting more settled in at work and finally feeling like I'm catching up.  Life is better.  Oh, I definitely have my sad times and they hit suddenly, but I have good times, too.  Keep us in your prayers as all the adjustments take place.
Love,
Judy

Step Twelve: New Days

I guess it's getting to be time to start living.  I know I don't have to rush to make decisions, but I do need to move forward. My goal is still a day at a time. I still have my sad moments (and I'm sure I will for a long time), and even though I feel so good about Harold's eternity I miss him.  It's got to be natural to be sad for yourself and for change so I don't think I'm unusual.  I wish there was a manual, but I haven't found it, yet!

I stayed here this weekend and got some paperwork done.  Still working on motivating myself.  Harold kept me going...okay bugged me about getting things done so I'm adjusting to "bugging" myself. This is a busy time at work so that will keep me on target, too. 

Hope you had a great weekend and have a good week.  I may not write as often, but I appreciate the place to put my feelings into words and my friends who read along.
Judy

Step Eleven: First Month

In case you didn't notice the date, it's February 18.  One month ago today things changed. I made it okay and came home and rearranged my flowers.  That doesn't seem like much, but it gave me some time to reflect and realize that I've come a long way in a month.  I know my family and friends are close and God is even closer. 

Someone told me I should read the book "Ninety Minutes in Heaven"  by Don Piper. Today when I walked in the office I saw the book sitting on my secretary's desk.  When I asked her about it she said someone had borrowed it (though she couldn't remember who) and they brought it back today.  "You need it," she said.  When I told her I was wanting to read it and what today was she said, "It's a God thing!"  Tonight I'll start the book. 

I'm so proud of Randal and Derek, they just continue to take care of things...and me.  I thank God for them.  It's almost the weekend and I'm looking forward to it!
Thanks for reading, Love
Judy

Step Eleven: Continued

Not a lot going on right now.  I am still enjoying my tulips and flowers. I'm staying busy and doing some re-arranging in my apartment. I still have lots of times when I think of Harold and wish I could share things with him. I think one of the big adjustments is cooking.  I spent time deciding what to fix that he would like for so long that it is strange not to be considering that.  I am sad that he didn't get to enjoy a lot of the beef from "hamburger" that we have. Hamburger was the calf we raised and he couldn't wait for the good corn-fed beef (expecially the steaks- he was pretty stingy with those). Luckily, he did get some of it and we will think of him every time we eat!

I'm still hearing from friends regularly and that keeps me going.  I am okay and I will be okay thanks to everyone!  I would like to ask that you keep Donna Senter in your prayers.  She is Harold's brother's wife and she has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and taken to Harris Hospital. Please remember her, Gene,and their boys, wives and grandchildren. Some of you have asked about Randy who helped with our farm and was diagnosed with lung cancer.  He is starting radiation at UT Southwestern and will then have chemo.  Keep him in your prayers, too.  There are so many people with needs and I'm glad I have an extended Christian family to share in prayer. 
Love,
Judy

Step Eleven: More Firsts

Happy Valentine's Day!
It was a good day and a good weekend.  I got to enjoy the family at a 1st B'Day party for Haley on Friday, got to be Gram with O on Saturday, got to hear Randal sing at the CD release, got to see so many friends at church in Hillsboro, received flowers from some very special friends there, received an online gift of flowers from a special friend, and then received Tulips...from my boys!  They said they are carrying on Harold's tradition because they loved that their Dad did that for so many years.

My first Valentine's Day was special because I am so blessed with family and friends who love me, and a God who is with me every step of the way.  Yes, I cried today (more than once actually), but that's okay.  They were happy tears because my friends and sons cared and showed their love in special ways. As I drove back to  Lake Jackson I just kept saying, "Thank you" to God for blessing me. 

Thank you to everyone who made this weekend special and for all your prayers.
Love you,
Judy

Step Eleven: Family Birthday

I'm heading to Cleburne for Haley's (George and Rachel's Daughter) 1st Birthday.  Lots of family will be there.  This will be the "first" group get together.  Harold has missed so many of these recently due to his illness so it won't be unusual for him not to be there, however as Sherry said, "He might not be there, but he always got his BIG piece of cake!"  There will be a little more cake left over and he will be missed. 

This is what it's all about, life going on.  We will miss Harold and Earl (who passed away in the fall), but they have left a legacy for the family.  It is what it is because of the love of family they both had and the faith in God they shared. 

Enjoy the weekend, and for those in the DFW area enjoy the Colorodo style snow!! I can't believe it- save some until I get there!
Judy

Step Eleven: Dealing with Firsts

I finally realized why I felt more emotional this week.  With all the commercials, specials and reminders of Valentine's Day it isn't any wonder that I would have my first opportunity to miss special occasions.  I know this will happen many times in the next year, but this is the first. 

I'll start with a story many of you already know.  Harold loved giving to others.  From the beginning of our relationship way back in 1971 he was that way.  Our first date was January 31.  We began dating and several days and dates later he was with a friend who was buying flowers for his girlfriend for Valentine's Day. Harold decided he'd better do the same thing if this relationship was going to continue.  He chose red tulips.  Well, I was just a sophomore in college and these were my first "real" flowers.  I loved them, my friends were impressed, and he knew he'd done good!  We still have pictures of a young girl holding those red tulips and grinning like crazy. Harold never forgot that moment and for the next 38 years I received tulips for Valentine's Day. 

They weren't always the same, but they always came.  When I started working he'd always send them early so I could enjoy them (and I think he wanted me to show off what a great husband he was). I never took them for granted because I was proud of that tradition he'd started.  Never once in 38 years did he forget.

So, it's no wonder that this "first" causes me to feel emotional.  I just have to find a good place for the memory and be happy for all the years of flowers.  Many people do nice things for loved ones, but I don't know many who have maintained a tradition that long.  I have been blessed to be on the receiving end and now I'm blessed with very special memories. 
Thanks for listening!
Judy

Step Ten: Another Day

One more "day at a time." Nothing too eventful to report, but sometimes I find that there are reality checks.  I've decided that throughout most days I don't consciously think about missing Harold.  I stay busy and do things that I always do.  Then something happens (nothing specific) and the reality hits that he really won't be here again.  I don't mean that to sound so sad, it's just another one of those facts that must be faced over and over.  I remember Harold saying he had times when he'd do something and think, "I need to call Earl."  Then the reality hit that he couldn't do that.  Sherry has had the same experience.  I've heard that this happens for a lot of people. The other night I was talking to O on the phone and he said, "Is Granddad with you?" I said, "No" then he paused and said, "You know I love him."  Maybe he had one of those "reality checks" too. 

Some things are falling into place as we take care of business.  I'm so thankful for people I can trust for help and advice.  It's nice to know you don't have to do things by yourself.  I'm so blessed to have family and friends who care so much. Thanks for all your prayers, please keep us there.  I just don't know what people do who don't have faith in God and wonderful Christian friends to share the load.  I thank God daily for all of you.
Love,
Judy 

Step Ten: Weekend OK!

Saturday was good. No breakfast in bed delivered by Bob the cat so Harold's not back as a cat.
 I relaxed and made it fine.  My car is now clean. The Colin Ray concert at the college was very good, and I kept thinking that Harold would have enjoyed it. I keep finding people who have been through this, too, so my support system is growing. 

Not a lot to tell today. I know staying busy is good for me and being around people tonight was a positive experience.  God is good and continues to bless me.  I don't have to look far to see so many others going through things that are painful.  I want to keep my eyes open and be a help when I can to "pay forward" all the good things that have been done for me and the boys in the last few weeks.  One song that Colin Ray sang was "The Only Jesus." It talked about we never know when we are the only Jesus someone may see.

Enjoy your Sunday!
Judy

Step Ten: First Weekend Alone

I'm ready for the weekend.  I made it through my first full week...so far so good. Now, I'm heading to my first weekend here alone.  I don't mean that in a bad way, its just a first.  I have two days to decide what to do and its all up to me. I'm going to a concert at Brazosport College to see Colin Ray.  Other than that I'm still deciding. 

I'm seriously thinking (well maybe not seriously) that Bob the cat IS Harold.  He still sleeps beside me at night, lays right beside me whenever I sit down and is even serving as my alarm clock.  In the morning once the alarm goes off  he starts walking back and forth across me until I get up...okay Harold I'll get up!  Harold brought me coffee in bed on Saturday mornings....now if Bob the cat does that......!

I'm not as sad as many times a day so that's good.  I'm dealing with the things I have to deal with and appreciate those who are helping with advice.  People have been wonderful in that way.  Keep us in your prayers while we get used to our new reality and have a great weekend.
Love,
Judy

Step Ten: Facing Memories

Today brought another group of cards and notices of donations in Harold's memory.  He would be so happy with everyone's thoughtfulness. It is amazing!  He always wanted to make a difference and through the memorials he is. This weekend I'll work on "Thank You" notes for all our great friends...and thanks Janet for the stamps...how did you know I was running low! I told you everyone was so thoughtful!

Yesterday I talked about how I seemed to miss Harold in the small things like his favorite snacks.  Today it's the ice cream freezer (he did love icecream).  The comment yesterday about why that might happen makes so much sense.  We do prepare to face the big things, but the little things hit quickly and we just can't be ready for all of them.  I'm going to just try and find a place for them as memories.  Gay sent me this quote today and it really fits:
                              "In nothing are we as rich as in our memories;
                                   they are pictures painted by our hearts,
                                           and nothing can erase them."

See you tomorrow,
Judy

Step Ten: Re-Arranging Life

Today is a first step in change.  They finally came to pick up the hospital bed so I decided to really move things around in the room. It may take a while to adjust, but it lets me look at things differently. Another change will be selling the car wash.  This isn't a hard adjustment since Harold and I had already talked about it and decided it needed to happen.  That's enough for one day. 

I am also learning to face things that won't happen again.  You know how we take for granted the things we do each day?  You go to the store and pick up certain items.  Sometimes it's that special item you get for someone else (special chips, their favorite drink or snack) and you may not even like it or use it yourself.  You just don't think about it.  Well, now I notice things like that- the things I won't be getting anymore.  It's okay, it's just facing another change and I 'm still on the "one day at a time" schedule.

Judy

Step Nine: Work as Usual

Well, today was pretty noneventful.  I'm trying to get my mind back in gear...not always easy, but some of that is just age!  I continue to receive cards full of thoughts and prayers from all over.  People are so good.  I've met some other women from work who lost their husbands a few years ago, so I do have people around who have experienced how I'm feeling.

Slowly, but surely I'm getting things settled.  I'm finding out there's a lot to do, but no real rush.  I'm going to stick with my "one day at a time" mindset.  Tomorrow they will finally come get the hospital bed so then I can really re-arrange the room. I'll be staying here this weekend so that will be a new experience having free time by myself. I'll let you know how it goes.

Have a great week,
Judy

Step Nine: Out in Public

Right now it's hard to tell when one step ends and another begins.  I decided that Step Nine was starting as I had my first "invitation out" with someone other than family.  Sharon asked me to come over to eat.  That may sound simple, but it is a first. Friends are great and I actually had two invitations today so it deserved to be a "step." It would be easy to just stay home, but tonight was good and I enjoyed the company.

I have a cat (well he's really Harold's cat) named Bob.  He felt abandoned while I was gone and did some really rebellious "bad cat" stuff in the apartment.  It's a good thing for him that he is Harold's cat so I gave him another chance.  I now have a very attached companion.  I laugh sometimes and wonder if Harold's come back!

I'm still receiving thoughts and prayers from everywhere.  People say they wish they could do more, but they have to realize the greatest thing they can do is pray for us.  We know God's near, but their offers of prayer are comforting and let us know we're cared for.

Enjoy every day and write someone  a note to let them know you care or to say I Love You.  Harold was great about leaving me "I Love You" notes everywhere, and I'm still finding ones I've kept.  I loved them then, but now they are priceless treasures. 
Judy