Step Eight: New Week

As Step Eight continues I'll start my first real full week at work.  After a wonderful weekend with my family it was hard to head back. Harold would be so proud of the boys and how they're taking care of me.  I stopped by the farm mailbox for the last bunch of mail and got to see the new bridge over the low water crossing.  It was great. I just wish it had happened a few months earlier, but it may have been Harold's prayers that finally got it done!

I am overwhelmed by the number of people reading my blog, and I want to thank all of you.  We are so blessed to have this support and love.  Everyday is different and everyday brings a variety of emotions, but the one constant is YOU and we thank God for you.
Love,
Judy

Step Eight: On the Brighter Side

It's amazing what sleeping until 9:30 am and then having someone bring you coffee will do for your mental health!  I don't think I realized how tired I was.  I'm staying at Randal's and will see Derek, Jayce, O and the Blairs soon.  I definitely like weekends! It doesn't hurt when you sit in front of a fireplace to do the blog.  Life is good, and God is always there.

I'll be weighing all the options for my future so keep me in your prayers.  Lots of decisions to make, but lots of time to make them. The farm definitely stays, but other things will need to be settled. I am thankful for the support I have to help me.

Have a great weekend.  Do what you enjoy and enjoy what you do!
Love,
Judy

Step Eight: Continued

Step Eight goes on while I continue to get back into things at work.  Truth is, I'm really looking forward to the weekend.  Spending time with the kids will be good and maybe starting again on Monday will be better.  I have a nice busy schedule next week so I think that will help. 

I still am adjusting to change, and I think that's going to take quite a while.  My emotions are pretty close to the surface so it doesn't take much to upset the balance.  That's okay and tears aren't bad. I know each day will be a little better.  I also know that I have lots of friends and family who will be right there with me through all the steps. 

Enjoy the weekend!
Judy

Step Eight: Yes It's New

Step Eight: Staying where we stayed and back to work for the first time:
Okay back to the Apartment where Harold was with me is a new step.  I have some wonderful friends here who came and cleaned things up, put away some medical stuff and rearranged the furniture just enough so it didn't look just like we left it .  They also put some food in the refrigerator!  Friends are great.  It was nice to come into a little different look.  Don't get me wrong, it was still one of the hardest times.  I faced personal things of Harold's and that wasn't easy.  I had things I'd gotten just for him here and he'd hardly gotten to enjoy them. 

People were so nice at work.  They talked, hugged and let me cry when I needed to.  They made sure they took over where my friends left off back home.  I got all my mail and can't tell you how many wonderful cards I received.  I read every word both printed and written and they were such a great comfort. Thanks to everyone. 

Now, I have to go back to work so I'll write again later.  We are truly blessed and people really loved Harold; his kindness, his sense of humor, and his caring nature.  I want to keep that going. 
Love,
Judy

Step Seven: Back to the Real World

Still in Step Seven.  Now, however, I'll be heading into some uncharted waters.  Back to the apartment in Lake Jackson where we were before the last hospital stays.  Luckily, Derek came with me and we did pack up and take away all the medical equipment (walker, wheel chair, etc.) before we headed for Ft. Worth.  That will help a lot.  I need to take care of the hospital bed...definitely a "big" reminder in the middle of the living room.  That's mainly because of the size. I'll start back to work tomorrow.  I'm prepared for some tears since this is a group who I know care, but we haven't had "that" conversation, yet.  I know they'll take care of me, too.  I sure am lucky to be surrounded by people who care.

I rested last night and I'm taking it slow today.  I'm making this trip by myself, but that's okay.  I like the "me" time to think and reflect.  I'll be careful on my trip home....I know some of you are thinking that right now (and I love it)!

Talk to you tomorrow!  Go hug someone for me!
Judy

Still Step Seven: Adjusting

Well, today is another day like yesterday.  I only told 1 & 1/2 people about Harold.  One was an old acquaintance who didn't know and one I thought knew so I just asked if they knew and they did.  I'm still taking it easy and I've decided that's okay.  I don't have to be in a hurry.

I will be randomly calling people to say, "Goodnight," since that seems to be the part of this step that I'm adjusting to.  I always called no matter where I was or where Harold was (the farm, the hospital, etc.) to say goodnight.  If I forgot I might be in trouble for not checking in.  I may just call a different person each night so be ready when you're the one!

Still enjoying my emails and texts to say hi. Terry said reading the blog was like having coffee together and I liked that. It helps me feel close.  I am blessed to have so many people to count on.  I know Harold knew I'd be taken care of by both family and friends, and he was right!
Love,
Judy

Step Seven: Not a One-Day Thing

I think I may be on Step Seven for a few days.  This one involves getting back into "things" and it will take awhile.  Being at the conference is good and it is a good diversion before I start back to work, but it's a little tricky. You don't realize how many time people you don't know ask you about what you do, where you live, about your family...and inevitably you have to say, "My husband just passed away."  Of course, then they feel bad and aren't sure what to say.  I'll work on conversation without that maybe, but it's okay.  It's all a part of the process. So far people have been wonderful and supportive. 

I am tired. I guess that's also a part of Step Seven...the body reacts. I'm taking time to rest and have some "me" time, too.  This isn't long, but I've been happy to see some still reading the blog and I'm finding that this is good for me.  So welcome along for the ride.

I'm also practicing listening.  I think we miss a lot when we try to talk more than listen. 
Thanks for reading,
Judy

Step Six: Facing Friends Outside of the Funeral Process

Step Six wasn't bad.
Actually, attending church as the first real time out was easy.  Randal, Derek, Jayce and O went to Hillsboro to church with me so I really wasn't "going alone." Walking in to see all those loving faces who just wanted to be sure I was okay was comforting.  Harold would have loved the singing- good old favorites and very upbeat.  A big thanks to Michael High! The opening song, "Thank you Lord" was great.  Though it wasn't one I was really familiar with it is one I won't forget.  I am thanking the Lord for so much.  I have a great family and a wonderful support system of friends.  I had Harold for 38 years and we got to spend lots of time together these last few months.  It may not have been in exactly the way we'd have chosen, but it was good for us.  We got to say I love you over and over before the end, and many people don't get that chance.

I'm going to a conference in Austin and that will help me get back "normal" a little more slowly.  I have an endless list of cell phone numbers I can call at any hour of the day or night (you'd said it and I know you meant it), and I have people praying for me all over the place. I really will be okay...good days and bad days, but I will be okay. 

Thought of the day:  Never wait to say I love you and if you're mad at someone...get over it. Life's too short!
Love,
Judy

Step Five: New Day

Well, the sun rose, my eyes, opened and life is going on.  I got my morning "We Love You" text from special friends, so life is good.  I'm still planning to take a day at a time for a while, but I know that's okay.  I've been told that I don't have to make any big decisions, yet.

Harold and I decided a while ago on cremation, so we'll wait on the next step for a few days.  We are going to be buried in the same plot where Harold's parents are buried.  Harold had asked Earl about it and he said that was fine with him.

After seeing all the people who attended the visitation and the celebration I've decided to make sure I pay more attention to people's needs.  Knowing how that made all of us feel, and knowing how much easier it made this transition in life, I want to be sure I "pass it on" to others.  Even when you don't know what to say, a hug and an "I love you" truly says it all!
Love you,
Judy

Step Four: Saying Goodbye

Okay Step Four is the hard one. 
The difficulty is not going through the service; that was wonderful seeing so many people who loved Harold, me, and the boys all in one room.  Watching the video that chronicled his life, hearing Sara and Randal sing, and hearing the comforting words from Glenn and Jerry were such a blessing. The hardest part was that last touch , that last look, and saying goodbye... for awhile.

We heard the perfect song on the way home yesterday and tonight, "Save a Place for Me," by Matthew West. It talked about missing someone, but telling them to save a place for me until I'm there. It really said it all, you need to check it out.  Here's a link to listen:  http://s0.ilike.com/play#Matthew+West:Save+A+Place+For+Me:69269997:s26405099.9648261.2236231.0.2.113%2Cstd_e8f598bb59c648228dd443c49f133d85


I know we'll be okay.  We have such a great support system of friends and family, we have faith that Harold is now okay, and we also have the assurance through God's grace that we'll be with him someday. What more could you ask....well maybe more time here, but we trust God's plan and we'll live with that and our wonderful memories!

Don't  forget to share your love today.
Love you,
Judy

Step Three

Step Three: Today is a day for final plans. 
Decisions will be made for songs and order and getting all the details in place.  I thought this would be a sad time, but it's really comforting.  I am thinking of all the things that were of the most importance to Harold so they can be brought in to celebrate his life.  This is definitely ushering in a time of change and it will definitely be an opportunity to shed tears, but even more its a time to reflect and rejoice for a lifetime of great memories.  The boys have put together a video of Harold and though we all sat and cried through it, it was the most precious time and brought wonderful feelings to all of us.

So, the day I thought would be hard is okay.  I know I'll cry through a box of kleenex at the visitation tonight, but that's okay, too.  They will be tears shared with friends and family for a man we all loved and admired. 
Love, Judy

Step Two

If Step One is making arrangements then Step Two must be learning to take a day at a time.  We've been doing that for a while, but it does take on a different meaning.  I am learning to accept offers to help.  You know that's hard because our first response is always, "No, I'm okay" or "Nothing" when someone asks if they can do something.  Someone told me once that when you say, "No" to someone's offer for help you're preventing their joy to serve others.  Right now I don't know what I need, but I do appreciate all the offers.  I especially appreciate your support and prayers.  I know everyone says, "I don't know what to say," but so far every comment has been a blessing to me, Randal, and Derek.  I know the support the boys have had from their friends has truly helped them cope.

The outpouring of love and the comments about Harold keep us going.  We been blessed for years with loving friends and family. Thanks for helping us get through these steps and the steps to come.
Judy

Small Steps: Step One

This is not easy. 
I could stop there, but I won't. I truly believe that Harold is fine and I know his body is whole and he's feeling better than he ever has.  His joy is complete.  However, on the other side we're still here and there's a big hole where Harold was.  We went to the farm and I found out rather quickly that I'm not quite ready for that.  I saw THE sunset, THE farm house, THE cows; they look the same, but I'm looking at them differently.  They are finally putting in a bridge at the low water crossing...I just wanted to tell Harold. It's definitely not easy, so I just need to take Small Steps.

Step One:
We did get to the funeral home and took care of the arrangements.  The visitation will be on Thursday, January 21 from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at Marshall & Marshall in Hillsboro.  It's on Hwy. 22 in Hillsboro. The service will be on Friday, January 22 at 2:00 p.m. at the Hillsboro Church of Christ at 109 Crestridge.  Take the exit by Braums off of Int. 35 and turn right just past the apartments.  It's at the top of the hill.

The service is set, the flowers are ordered.  That's enough for step one. 

Thanks again for all your love and concern.  You help us get through the hard times.  We can't help but feel sad, but it's really just sadness for ourselves.  When I'm calm and quite and allow God to speak to me I know I'll be ok and I have the full assurance that Harold is just fine!
Judy

Decisions

Sometimes the hardest decisions are those you make for others.  When the consequences are yours to deal with you can determine what you want to do. However, some decisions are left up to you and the consequences affect someone else.  Today is a day of decisions.

Harold is not doing well. Actually that's understated as his organs are failing.  His kidneys have basically shut down, his lungs are having a really hard time and his liver and gall bladder have issues.  The main organ still holding is his heart.  If you know Harold that's not really a big surprise. He has such a big heart though it is measured by love not beats per minute. So when it does fail it's only an organ and not the real heart of Harold. 

After spending the last few days talking to doctors about Harold's prognosis and thinking about what Harold would want we have decided it's time to put him in God's hands.  He's always been there, but now we are going to quit providing artificial means to care for him place him in the Lord's care. He's going to be fine and in good company. He's spent a lifetime waiting for this day and he has no regrets. 

As I was writing and trying to decide just what to say while we waited for the doctor to come and turn down the machine the Lord let him come home. No decision by anyone, but God.  This scarred and swollen body is here, but Harold's soul is soaring and he sends his love.  No scripture says it better; "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith and now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness which the Lord the righteous judge will award to me on that day.  And not only to me, but to all who have longed for his appearing.  II Timothy 4:7.

Thank you for your prayers, love and support.  Earl, Lome, my dad and all those who went before are in the welcome line to take over.  Hug someone you love, love someone you may not have loved lately and never fail to give to others what you would want given to you.
Love,
Judy

More Platelets

Harold's platelets dropped today to a level that requires a transfusion.  They're getting it ordered now.  His red blood count is still holding from that transfusion.  His white count is still elevated, but down a little from yesterday. 

They gave him lasix last night and this morning to try and remove some of the fluid he's retaining.  His kidneys have shut down and they hoped that might jump start them.  He's only putting out a little fluid so it's not quite working the way they hoped it would.  However,I want to paint you a picture of true friendship.  Last night Glen MacDonald, Larry Brown and Jerry Pierpont from Hillsboro came down.  They took me to eat and they were here when the nurse gave him the first dose of lasix.  They quickly became the cheering squad for kidney function.  We all stood and watched the catheter tube to see if the flow increased (we even did a little cheering it on).  We finally marked it with tape to be sure.  If cheers could heal kidneys that would have done it. Only true friends would be so eager to help you cheer for small victories. We are so blessed with many, many good loving friends. I know those of you reading this would do the same thing!  Cousin Ronnie (Cuz as Harold calls him) came last night to see Harold. When we got back from eating he was sitting by Harold's bed.

I'm waiting for the CT Scan report.  One of the doctors came in and was not happy that report hadn't come in. He was going to call and get it as soon as possible. That will give us more information about his liver and gall bladder. 

I'll let you know when I have more information. Sorry this is so late today.  My brother Ronnie brought my mother this morning from San Antonio, and Derek, Jayce, and O are here.  Randal is on his way.  I've done more talking than writing!  We are so blessed with loving family and friends and even though Harold can't communicate right now I know he feels all the love and prayers coming our way. 
Judy

Blood Pressure Up a Little

They gave him something for the low blood pressure and that brought it up some.  They held off right now on the more aggressive BP medicine.  They will keep it available if it's needed. The fluid just seems to be staying in his body and his kidneys are still not working. They do keep a close eye on him and will do what they can.  I've seen nearly a doctor for each organ today.  I feel good about the care he's getting. 

I had the Cowboy game playing for him, but decided that might have a bad effect so I moved it!
Judy

Not the Best Day

This is definitely not one of the better days.  Though his platelets have come up a little so has his white count.  Infection seems to be back in force.  They started him on Vancomycin (the big gun antibiotic). His kidneys are not functioning and his blood pressure has dropped.  They are going to give him something to bring up the blood pressure but can't give him fluids since his kidneys are not working right. His blood gas results have been good until today and now show some acidity (another one of those things I don't fully understand). They said he is retaining some carbon dioxide which accounts for his mental state and not opening his eyes or responding. 

Keep us in your prayers as I know you have been doing constantly.
Judy

New Scans Today

Not a lot of new information today.  They do not have the full report from the CT Scan yesterday, so we're waiting on that.  They do have a sonogram of the liver scheduled today.  He has a GI Specialist checking on things. They have ordered more tests.  They seem to think there is something going on in the abdomen with some organ. He's a little jaundiced which could be liver or a result of some other areas (which I don't think have enough info to explain- sometimes I listen hard and it just does not all compute).  Some lab results indicate issues, but they're waiting on the full report to come to any other conclusions. 

He isn't too responsive today, but did enjoy the bath they gave him.  I got a little worried when I came in and the door was closed with something in front of it, but they told me quickly he was getting a good bath.  I know that made him feel better! 

I tried to set up a counter so I could tell the number of people checking the blog, but I couldn't get it working.  I'll keep trying!  I'll let you know when I hear about the scan or any other results.  Until then have a great day and hug someone special.  Or maybe hug someone not so special...they'll wonder what in the world is going on!!
Judy

CT Scan Ordered

Harold was finally able to get his blood transfusion!  They had some trouble drawing blood from his pick line to type and cross so they had to order a "clot buster" for the line....but before they could do that they needed it to give potassium and that took a few hours. Once they had the line open, drew the blood, and sent it off they had to wait to get just the right blood for him.  With the bone marrow transplant his blood type is different and so are the antigens they are trying to match.  Like I said before, we don't do anything "normal." Since they finished late we don't have today's labs for the blood, yet.

They are doing a CT Scan of his abdomen today.  They did a sonogram yesterday and want to get a closer look. They will do one with contrast.  They inject it through his line and then take him to the machine.  I'll let you know what it shows.  They mentioned something possibly with the gall bladder...we haven't had an issue with that before so we'll see. 

He's a little more alert today.  Mainly because they have him off of the BiPap machine for a couple of hours.  It's pretty hard to keep your eyes open when that machine is pumping air into your lungs (and face sometimes).  They have him on a regular oxygen mask and that helps.  He does say he's not hurting, and he still loves me so that's good for now!!

If I get more results I'll update later. Thanks again for your prayers, love and concern for us! Harold's village is growing and we're very thankful. 
Judy

Blood Transfusion Today

Harold's sleeping a lot today so he's not very responsive.  I just met with the Hematologist. They will be giving him some blood since his hemoglobin has dropped pretty low.  His platelet count has dropped from yesterday but is still at a safe level (they gave him platelets day before yesterday).

They did a scan of his abdomen today to see why it is distended (I know why mine is). We're waiting on that report. The good news is he does not seem to be in pain.  When he can respond and you ask him if he hurts he says, "No." That's a blessing.

I was asking questions one night and the nurse asked if I was a nurse. I told her no, that I just had learned way more than I ever wanted to know about hospitals, medicine and illness. I'll write more later today when we get the scan results. We're hanging in and appreciating all of you daily.

Keep the prayers going!  Also, please pray for Randy Moon. He has been helping Harold with the cows for a long time.  He went to the hospital with pneumonia a week or so ago and now they believe he may have lung cancer.  They're checking into doctors in Houston for treatment.

We are definitely learning to take one day at a time. The best news is God's in charge and he's right where you need him. Sometimes I know I get so busy worrying that I forget he's right here.  FYI: You never know what tomorrow brings so hug everyone today and tell them you love them!
Judy

Potassium Low

Not a lot of changes today.  Harold's platelet count stayed up from the platelets he received yesterday.  The hematologist saw him today and will continue to monitor his blood levels. His potassium level was critically low so they gave him two bags.  It seems like just a couple of days ago that the potassium was too high.  His body just can't seem to level out.  His oxygen has stayed up since they suctioned his lungs yesterday.  He's not so raspy and that has to feel better! He is not very responsive today, but he does open his eyes when we talk to him and does say "no" when we ask if he's hurting.
They got an extension on his bed to accommodate his 6'4" body. It's nice that his feet have plenty of room and won't hit the end of the bed.  I don't think they have too many this tall!
I know there are a lot of prayers going up on Harold's behalf and we appreciate everyone. Its a long road and we appreciate all of you traveling with us.
Judy

Welcome Back

It's been more than three years since we first started blogging for Harold. At that time he was undergoing a bone marrow transplant for Myelodysplasia. He passed with flying colors and had great success. He was Dr. Parmar's favorite...at least we felt that way!

Now, 3 1/2 years later we have some new issues. Since August 23 Harold has had a series of infections. Each of these put him in the hospital with a high fever, confusion and low blood pressure. For a while they were occurring at nearly two week intervals. Then they spread out to monthly. Harold has experienced a range of infections from pneumonia, to bone infection to UTI. With each new episode he was left with a little more weakness.

In November I brought him back to Lake Jackson with me so I could work and be able to take care of him. After 3 more hospital stays, a few weeks in a skilled nursing facility and a three weeks of in-patient rehab (which he called his Boot Camp) he's now in Houston at Kindred Hospital. This is a great place with some wonderful people taking care of him.

I've had so many people writing, texting and calling wanting to find out about his condition and wanting to let us know they're praying for him that I decided it was time to restart the blog. It worked well through the transplant to keep everyone informed, and it also gave me a great outlet for my thoughts as we went through that experience.

Harold has a team of doctors. He has a renal doctor, internal medicine, infectious disease, pulmonary and they have just added a hemotologist. They seem to be working well together to deal with their specific area of concern while being careful not to cause issues for another area. As always, Harold does not do things normally or simply so he takes a village to keep him going. I'll update daily to let you know how he's doing and what's happening.

Thank you in advance for your concern, your prayers and your friendship. We appreciate everyone so much.
Judy